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p.i.g.s.w.i.l.l – scraping foetus off the wheel

Puerile middle-aged adolescent that I am, I have thoroughly enjoyed #Piggate. Of course, without forgetting that it’s hardly the worst abuse Kermit Hameron and his chums have been party to.

I’ve been saying for months that there’s something fishy about the whole Westminster paedophile ring soap opera. Why on earth is there so many of them? I’ve met a lot of people in my time and can only think of one who’s done time for sexually abusing a kid. And the victim was one of their own kids – not a stranger. And, this individual was, at the time, suffering from Korsakov’s syndrome.

So how come there’s such a huge percentage of politicians and media figures intent on playing before there’s grass on the pitch? And snuffing them afterwards, if there’s nothing but repeats on TV? And only then, coming up with the symptoms of dementia?

If Lord Ashcroft is to be believed, Hameron experienced this sexual humiliation as part of an initiation into a club for future rulers of the good ship HMS Britain. And our beloved and trusted security services seem to be baw-deep in the Dolphin Square goings on.

Mibby – just mibby – piggate isn’t a revelation of Mmmm Davish’s desire to pork scratchings. Rather, these ritualised humiliations are a lot closer to a process of blackmail – controlling the lawmakers in order that the ‘right’ laws are enacted ‘n’ enforced.

People being plied with drugs, then encouraged to fuck kids on camera. In that position, I reckon I’d be more than happy to do as the guy holding the photos said – so long as there was a chance of him keeping them to himself. And I imagine our media and politicians are at least that smart.

things can only get better – d:ream

I’m writing this on Friday – that’s last week to you. The Labour leadership results will have been announced over twenty-four hours ago. At present, nobody (apart from Burnham, Cooper, Kendal, Cameron, Osborne and the like) are predicting anything other than a Corbyn landslide.

Of course, for the great unhosed – and particularly in Scotland – the idea of a Labour man running the ‘Labour’ party is up there with Santa, elves, goblins and “I swear I won’t come in your mouth again this time.”

Unless the security services have managed to smear Corbyn with sex and/or drug allegations, the token lefty might just be now sitting in the seat last warmed by the human Miliband.

Corby’s said that, although violently opposed to Scottish independence, he’s prepared to work with the SNP to oppose the neoliberals and their narrative. And he believes Tony Blair should be tried (if not tarred and feathered) as a war criminal.

I haven’t always voted, but when I have, I’ve voted labour, right up until to May this year. With Corbyn at the helm of the Labour party, I’m going to have to think about voting SNP in future.

Which brings me to the single best thing about a Corbyn-led labour party. If he’s prepared to work with the SNP, then that’ll keep the SNP on the left and narrow. Win-win. Except for Burnham, Cooper, Kendal, Cameron and Osborne, obviously.

In the mid-nineties, a friend and I were talking about the shipwreck that was the last days of the Major government. A never-ending parade of increasingly ludicrous sex scandals, with public confidence dropping through the negative numbers like a fucked lift.

“The tories,” my mate said. “Are collapsing in on themselves. They’ve been in power so long, they’re rotten to the core.”

And that’s where the neoliberal agenda is now. Even its victim,s who bought into it up to this point, are starting to question the validity of a system that devours everything in its path, leaving nothing but billionaires.

Fingers crossed.

very friendly – throbbing gristle

Things have gone awfully quiet of late on the Yewtree/Fernbridge front. Which is, I suppose, part and parcel of a media traditionally protecting the corrupt establishment they’re part of. Even the hacks who aren’t themselves fucking kids know which side their bread’s buttered.
Forty years ago was a whole nother country. The word ‘rape’ was a polite-ish euphemism a gentleman would use instead of the f-word. There was no Childline and Esther Rantzen was famous only for publicising semi-humorous news stories along with Cyril Fletcher.
The word ‘paedophile’ was a clinical term. Ordinary people said “child molester” or possibly “beast”.
If Jimmy Saville’s crimes had been discovered in 1975, he wouldn’t have seen the inside of any cell. The tabloids would have put a light-hearted spin on things. And, most of the country would have been impressed with his expertise in getting his hands on fresh ones.
In October of 1976, Nicholas Fairbairn MP called noisy avant pranks group Throbbing Gristle “the wreckers of civilisation”. The same month, the Sex Pistols were seen as a cross between a peasants’ uprising and a leering antichrist. So how come none of the members of either of these groups have been named and shamed as chicken-hawks? Both bands have, by now, got one dead member who could be sacrificed to save the others. It’s almost as if…

Pickles set to release rap-aerobics CD

Sir Eric Pickles, the Mountain that rides, announced last night that he’s to commemorate his recent knighthood with a rap-aerobics CD, released tomorrow.

“Sir Eric Pickles – a leaner, fitter Britain” features the former MP for Brentwood and Ongar rapping his way through fourteen slices of slammin’ urban jive-fodder, backed by several leading figures from the UK rap scene.

“It’s like a real chance to put something back,” said Sir Eric last night from his crib, wearing sportswear and surrounded by his bitches. “For too long, this country’s been down with a ‘something for nothing’ groove. Let’s everybody shape up together, dig?”

Among the songs reinterpreted on the disc are Kylie Minogue’s ‘Can’t get you out of my head’  with Pickles’ chant of” move you body, leak some sweat” and of course, his longtime theme song, http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2pouw_fast-food-rockers-fast-food-song_fun

Naval comedian, William McNeilly ‘game for a laugh’, say MOD.

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Jolly Jack Tar William McNeilly was back in the bosom of the Royal Navy after a prank that caught the whole country on the hop, said a source in the Ministry of Defence.
McNeilly, who conned the whole world with his claims that Britain’s nuclear submarines weren’t fit for purpose, was last night laughing about the success of his beezer wheeze with officials from the navy and MI5.
“You should have seen the looks on your faces,” said a spokesman for MI5, wiping his eyes. “Somebody even started a petition, calling him a hero! Oh, he’s a tonic, that lad.”
Prime Minister David Cameron this morning said he’d known all along it was just a wind up and that he’d been in on it from the word go.
McNeilly himself was unavailable for comment as he’s ‘going to be really busy’  for a while. Sources close to the Royal Navy are estimating that ‘while’ to be somewhere between twenty and thirty years.

Theresa May to ‘bring back ISIS-ish values’

Newly resurrected Home Secretary Theresa May yesterday announced that the coming five years would see a return to ISIS-ish values. Speaking at the opening of Mogadan, the Conservatives’ annual celebration of all things dogmatic and slow-witted, she told reporters and a wailing horde of the faithful that her department hoped to introduce tying people to chairs and hurling them from buildings for almost any crime. “From overdue library books to belonging to banned terrorist organisations like the SNP,” she said, “citizens will be offered a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to accelerate at thirty-two feet per second per second. Even if it is only over a short distance – say five or six stories.
I have spoken to Michael Gove about this and, like the Prime Minister, he’s in full agreement, as is Iain Duncan Smith at Work and Pensions.
Even Esther McVey is on board with this, telling me in an e-mail last night that she’d be overjoyed to work for her benefits by beheading others.”
The Home Secretary then fired her Kalashnikov into the air, bellowing “against all education”, which was the Conservatives’ slogan throughout the recent general election campaign.

Ukip set to release ‘english rose’ scent

In another attempt to woo voters with limited education, the United Kingdom Independence Party are to make available a new fragrance for white women. ‘English Rose, the scent of scapegoating’, will be pitched at ‘the modern woman who enjoys a carefree life and blaming others for her own inadequacies’ and will smell ‘a bit like onions and chilli sauce’.

There are also plans to release a scent for men, called ‘English not British’, a scent described as ‘honest sweat and kebab meat with a hint of lager’.

Celebrities endorse repeal of hunting ban

Prime minister David Cameron today said he was overjoyed at the latest celebrities to back his plan to repeal the ban on hunting.

Speaking to an audience of sexually stunted sadists this afternoon, The Prime Minister said that this showed the entire country was behind him.

In a massive boost to the campaign, celebrities have rallied to the cause, speaking at length about the pleasure they’ve derived from hunting. Peter Sutcliffe, an outspoken critic of women in society said he looked forward to the day hunting was legalised and his convictions overturned. “God tells me hunting’s right.” he beamed.

Ian Brady, who has recently been critical of the Conservative party, said that the decriminalisation of hunting was “a step closer to the perfect society.”

Dennis Nilson, who hunted at least a dozen young men under Margaret Thatcher, said that hunting had so much to offer. “The thrill of the chase,” he enthused, his eyes sparkling. “right up to that moment of complete capitulation. Nothing can compare to it.”

However, not all celebrity hunters are throwing their weight behind Mr Cameron. Rosemary West, a regular hunter up until the time of John Major, said that it was important not to lose sight of family values in the excitement of the hunt.

BRAVE CAMERON STANDS UP TO VICIOUS TYRANT STURGEON

Plucky David Cameron yesterday travelled to Edinburgh to stand up to Nicola Sturgeon. Although cautious about entering the tyrant’s lair, he was accompanied by his companions, the quick-thinking George Osborne and the powerful Iain Duncan Smith.
Sturgeon, who recently swooped down on Westminster, vastly outnumbering the forces of good with her army of massive yet slow-witted creatures, had a list of demands which she forced our brave lads to listen to.
Among her demands were that England must hand over not only all of its income but ten percent of its children each year and also for a complete ban on all forms of cricket.
Sturgeon, who loves the sound of her own voice, also demanded that England execute former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, refusing to believe that Baroness Thatcher died of natural causes in 2013.
Scotland, the territory Sturgeon declared herself Empress of in 2014, is almost bankrupt and reliant on handouts from most developed nations and the International Red Cross.

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