haters gonna hate – even the shit i be proud of, yeah?



do it again – steely dan

kiyoko99% of fiction, I’ll read once and never consider going back to. William S Burroughs, I can reread, mostly down to the gorgeous ‘poetry’ of his prose. I am, after all, a schemie. The urban poor. I object to poetry. It undermines my manhood.
When I got my first e-reader, back in 2011, practically housebound with Post Viral Fatigue Syndrome, the first thing I did was reread a fairly random fistful of novels I’d read back in the day. Oddly (and again, fighting off this PVFS) I’m rereading some of my favourite fiction authors. Hubert Selby jr, Irvine Welsh and Jean Genet being the first three to hand.
The Selby novels I’ve long meant to return to – and on the second serving, everything I remember is there. The plotting, the sheer stark inarticulacy (or directness) – it’s like speed-reading Ramones lyrics. Being thirty years older, I’m spotting completely different things than I did the last time I read these.
I had a similar experience, rereading Mishima’s ‘Seas of Fertility’ quartet a few years ago. Reading it at seventeen/eighteen, I identified with Kiyoake (and his various incarnations) after all, I was that age, weak and sickly as he was at the end of ‘Spring snow’ and stubborn and principled as Isao from ‘Runaway horses’ and the others…
Returning to the work at forty-nine/fifty, it was Honda I immediately recognised myself in. A financially comfortable, but slowly decaying old perve, almost but not quite able to touch life.
The Welsh books are actually a lot different to how I remember them. ‘The acid house’, in particular, reads a lot better now I’m twenty years older. I always remembered it as quite jagged, thrown together like a band trying to cram everything into their debut LP. Half of it read like exercises from his writing group – and the other fifty percent was brilliant.
I just went back to ‘The thief’s journal’ this afternoon and already, I’m re-hooked on the fragility of Genet’s writing. I haven’t read a lot of his work since I was maybe nineteen, twenty. Although ‘Funeral rites’, I didn’t get around to til about twenty-four, twenty-five.
There’s rarely time to revisit great fiction, so when I do, it’s often like falling back into somewhere familiar-ish, but this time, with better hearing and eyesight, ironically enough.


read it in books – echo and the bunnymen

wreckersHere’s my self-indulgent list of all the books I read last year. I’m not looking forward to this list falling into the hands of headcare professionals, I can tell you!

05 i 15 – the ghost – robert harris
09 i 15 – the secret history of rock – roni sarig
09 i 15 – like a corset undone – erotic steampunk anthology
16 i 15 – anger is an energy – john lydon
16 i 15 – Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea – jules verne
25 i 15 – the girl in the steel corset – kady cross
26 i 15 – person-hair (draft) – jess hopkins
29 i 15 – dead girl walking – Christopher Brookmyre
30 i 15 – tis – frank mccourt

05 ii 15 – assimilate – reed s Alexander
07 ii 15 – the corpse garden – colin wilson
15 ii 15 – the apocalypse codex – charles stross

04 iii 15 – the shipping news – e annie proulx
27 iii 15 – fool the world – josh frank & carlyn ganz

24 iv 15 – david copperfield – charles dickens
26 iv 15 – a decent ride – Irvine Welsh
28 iv 15 – blood on snow – jo nesbo

02 v 15 – clothes music boys – viv albertine
04 v 15 – thunderball – ian fleming
15 v 15 – the art of asking – amanda palmer
18 v 15 – person-hair (draft) – jess hopkins
26 v 15 – the establishment – owen jones
26 v 15 – psychopathic cultures and toxic empires – will black

02 vi 15 – searching for wanda – elise sutton
10 vi 15 – nick drake – patrick humphries
13 vi 15 – ham on rye – charles bukowski
13 vi 15 – Taken in the Dark of Night – daniel howard
23 vi 15 – unknown pleasures – peter hook
23 vi 15 – prague fatale – philip kerr
26 vi 15 – armadillo fists – carlton mellick lll

04 vii 15 – the hacienda – peter hook
25 vii 15 – shock doctrine – naomi klein

04 viii 15 – chavs – Owen Jones
17 viii 15 – post-capitalism – paul mason
21 viii 15 – the rhesus chart – Charles Stross
25 viii 15 – america’s favourite son – gg allin
31 viii 15 – apathy for the devil – nick kent

05 ix 15 – the man who led zeppelin – chris welch
08 ix 15 – clusterfuck – carlton mellick lll
12 ix 15 – London calling – ga ponsonby
15 ix 15 – fear and smear – pat anderson
17 ix 15 – the witch must burn – danielle paige
19 ix 15 – Taken in the Dark of Night – daniel howard

04 x 15 – last exit to Brooklyn – hubert selby
11 x 15 – trainspotting – Irvine Welsh
12 x 15 – killing charlie – wensley clarkson
19 x 15 – the acid house- Irvine Welsh

07 xi 15 – captivate – corrie garratt
18 xi 15 – journey to the centre of the cramps – dick porter
27 xi 15 – the hell of it all – charlie brooker

07 xii 15 – the girl in the spider’s web – David Lagercrantz
13 xii 15 – listen to this – victor svorinich
14 xii 15 – I was a murder junkie – evan cohen
22 xii 15 – future days – david stubbs

Fifty-four books in twelve months. I should really get out of the house a bit more, maybe join an evening class or something.

Ah want ti be – Sandie Craigie

I’m planning out a follow-up novel. When I wrote ‘1919’, it was all one story, it was just too fat so I split it in half before shoving it out. For July’s NaNoCamp, I wrote the draft of a novel set in Edinburgh in the 1990s and now I’m extending it, picking up some loose ends and, hopefully, developing them.
In some ways, I’m feeling a bit painted into a corner, I can’t just let my imagination run wild, as I could with the first part (working title: ‘Wifies’). This time, everybody’s already got their hair-colour, eyes, jobs and sexual preferences. Everything has to grow out of what came before, all those set-in-stone factoids I had so much fun dreaming up last time. So I’m approaching this one, baw-deep in limitations already.
That said, I’m genuinely fond of several of my characters. The ‘shite friend but a great fuck’ and the battered wife, for starters. Since about June, they’ve been talking to me, hanging around my house pished, bitching about each other – and they’re almost all smokers, the bastards. Much more of this and I’ll start casting the movie in my head, the way normal people do with ‘American tabloid’!
Before I started’ Wifies’, I created dossiers for my six main characters. So far, I’ve spotted four I’ll need to create for this one. Should take me about a week.

very friendly – throbbing gristle

Things have gone awfully quiet of late on the Yewtree/Fernbridge front. Which is, I suppose, part and parcel of a media traditionally protecting the corrupt establishment they’re part of. Even the hacks who aren’t themselves fucking kids know which side their bread’s buttered.
Forty years ago was a whole nother country. The word ‘rape’ was a polite-ish euphemism a gentleman would use instead of the f-word. There was no Childline and Esther Rantzen was famous only for publicising semi-humorous news stories along with Cyril Fletcher.
The word ‘paedophile’ was a clinical term. Ordinary people said “child molester” or possibly “beast”.
If Jimmy Saville’s crimes had been discovered in 1975, he wouldn’t have seen the inside of any cell. The tabloids would have put a light-hearted spin on things. And, most of the country would have been impressed with his expertise in getting his hands on fresh ones.
In October of 1976, Nicholas Fairbairn MP called noisy avant pranks group Throbbing Gristle “the wreckers of civilisation”. The same month, the Sex Pistols were seen as a cross between a peasants’ uprising and a leering antichrist. So how come none of the members of either of these groups have been named and shamed as chicken-hawks? Both bands have, by now, got one dead member who could be sacrificed to save the others. It’s almost as if…

Pickles set to release rap-aerobics CD

Sir Eric Pickles, the Mountain that rides, announced last night that he’s to commemorate his recent knighthood with a rap-aerobics CD, released tomorrow.

“Sir Eric Pickles – a leaner, fitter Britain” features the former MP for Brentwood and Ongar rapping his way through fourteen slices of slammin’ urban jive-fodder, backed by several leading figures from the UK rap scene.

“It’s like a real chance to put something back,” said Sir Eric last night from his crib, wearing sportswear and surrounded by his bitches. “For too long, this country’s been down with a ‘something for nothing’ groove. Let’s everybody shape up together, dig?”

Among the songs reinterpreted on the disc are Kylie Minogue’s ‘Can’t get you out of my head’  with Pickles’ chant of” move you body, leak some sweat” and of course, his longtime theme song,

Ramones scent not really selling that well

Following on from the massive success chainstores have had in selling clothing emblazoned with the cover of the first Ramones’ album, an imaginative new Scottish start up has released a matching scent.

Although the predominant smell is industrial adhesive, there is also a strong undercurrent of stale sweat and a lingering afterburn of rectal mucous that some who’ve tried it say catches the throat slightly.

Raymond Pimms, whose Spirit of ’76 company hopes to get this scent into ‘as many shops as there are selling t-shirts with the cover’, has plans to release scents redolent of the first Clash album, Led Zeppelin’s ‘four symbols’ and ‘Mannilow moods’.

Naval comedian, William McNeilly ‘game for a laugh’, say MOD.


Jolly Jack Tar William McNeilly was back in the bosom of the Royal Navy after a prank that caught the whole country on the hop, said a source in the Ministry of Defence.
McNeilly, who conned the whole world with his claims that Britain’s nuclear submarines weren’t fit for purpose, was last night laughing about the success of his beezer wheeze with officials from the navy and MI5.
“You should have seen the looks on your faces,” said a spokesman for MI5, wiping his eyes. “Somebody even started a petition, calling him a hero! Oh, he’s a tonic, that lad.”
Prime Minister David Cameron this morning said he’d known all along it was just a wind up and that he’d been in on it from the word go.
McNeilly himself was unavailable for comment as he’s ‘going to be really busy’  for a while. Sources close to the Royal Navy are estimating that ‘while’ to be somewhere between twenty and thirty years.

Theresa May to ‘bring back ISIS-ish values’

Newly resurrected Home Secretary Theresa May yesterday announced that the coming five years would see a return to ISIS-ish values. Speaking at the opening of Mogadan, the Conservatives’ annual celebration of all things dogmatic and slow-witted, she told reporters and a wailing horde of the faithful that her department hoped to introduce tying people to chairs and hurling them from buildings for almost any crime. “From overdue library books to belonging to banned terrorist organisations like the SNP,” she said, “citizens will be offered a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to accelerate at thirty-two feet per second per second. Even if it is only over a short distance – say five or six stories.
I have spoken to Michael Gove about this and, like the Prime Minister, he’s in full agreement, as is Iain Duncan Smith at Work and Pensions.
Even Esther McVey is on board with this, telling me in an e-mail last night that she’d be overjoyed to work for her benefits by beheading others.”
The Home Secretary then fired her Kalashnikov into the air, bellowing “against all education”, which was the Conservatives’ slogan throughout the recent general election campaign.

Ukip set to release ‘english rose’ scent

In another attempt to woo voters with limited education, the United Kingdom Independence Party are to make available a new fragrance for white women. ‘English Rose, the scent of scapegoating’, will be pitched at ‘the modern woman who enjoys a carefree life and blaming others for her own inadequacies’ and will smell ‘a bit like onions and chilli sauce’.

There are also plans to release a scent for men, called ‘English not British’, a scent described as ‘honest sweat and kebab meat with a hint of lager’.

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