the crusher – the novas

In a PR masterstroke, Cambridge Analytica have rebranded themselves as Cambridge Rapist Analytica. After this week’s revelations, they really had to try to turn thermselves into something that the public could feel a bit more positive about.
On the surface, a bunch of retired spooks and tories building an organisation to subvert democracy through electronic means sounds like a pretty sharp business idea, doesn’t it? Their owner, Nigel Oake has previous form as a mobile DJ, so he’s been involved in manipulation of the public – maybe even at weddings, just as people were starting to realise the enormity of the mistake they’d just made. “Never mind that £350 million a week to the NHS, love – here’s Robbie Williams, with ‘Angels’.
I’ve been wondering for a while why so many turkeys voted for Christmas after Christmas. Colour me nutty if you will, but putting an over-tired and hysterical toddler in charge of the big red nuclear button isn’t great forward planning, is it? So what kind of ‘protest vote’ is it to give the doomsday clock a wee nudge forward for a laugh? And now we know – the sort who have average intelligence and are targeted with information tailored to their passions ‘n’ prejudices. Vegans are sent messages informing them that Crooked Hillary is running a paedophile ring out of a pizza place! With fucking cheese, for Christ’s sake! Troublemakers and nihilists like myself are bathed in adverts for ‘change’, ‘a new kind of politics’ and so on.
It’s been said that the last twenty-five years have been the ‘wild west’ era of the web. We’ve seen the dot-com bubble come and go and social media platforms built on multiple media turn into playground bullying orgies.
Mibby what comes next is regulatory overkill. I’ve read about plans to prevent children from spending ‘too long’ on the masturbation superhighway. So far, no-one’s tried to break down just how long the ‘average’ kid actually needs to post their revenge porn and bully a couple of classmates to suicide. What’s that figure going to be based on – their school’s position in local league tables? The next generation of me – smart kids at shit schools – are going to win at this. And probably give us the next Ernst Stavro Blofield, Henry Lee Lucas or Iain Duncan Smith.
One positive to come out of all this is the mass exodus out of Faceboak. Be honest, it’s been shit for years, hasn’t it? Long forgotten exes, people you didn’t know particularly well at school and colleagues you didn’t know were islamophobes. Nobody whose opinion actually matters. And let’s not forget – daily ads pointing out that sex with children isn’t really on. Before seeing these, I was aware of the child sex laws for people who don’t work in politics, entertainment, sport or the clergy. I’ve never been attracted to kids in a romantic sense, but having my nose rubbed in the concept every morning certainly made me think. About a drug-fuelled orgy involving a bevy of poorly educated third world lovelies, who really ought to be getting the ‘other’ sort of education if I’m honest.
Solutions to this? Everyone having on speed-dial for a start. Blurry photos of Ricky Gervais raping a giraffe, cheered on by Donald Trump, Lee Harvey Oswald and Baron Silas Greenback? Might just check that out before I repost it.
Even if Cambridge Rapist Analytica are crushed out of existence, you can’t get the genie back in the lamp now. Technology cannot be uninvented unless we go back to the caves and start stoning women to death on religious grounds. Which, to be fair, is a central plank of Jacob Rees-Mogg’s post brexit plan for the country.


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