Theresa May to ‘bring back ISIS-ish values’

Newly resurrected Home Secretary Theresa May yesterday announced that the coming five years would see a return to ISIS-ish values. Speaking at the opening of Mogadan, the Conservatives’ annual celebration of all things dogmatic and slow-witted, she told reporters and a wailing horde of the faithful that her department hoped to introduce tying people to chairs and hurling them from buildings for almost any crime. “From overdue library books to belonging to banned terrorist organisations like the SNP,” she said, “citizens will be offered a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to accelerate at thirty-two feet per second per second. Even if it is only over a short distance – say five or six stories.
I have spoken to Michael Gove about this and, like the Prime Minister, he’s in full agreement, as is Iain Duncan Smith at Work and Pensions.
Even Esther McVey is on board with this, telling me in an e-mail last night that she’d be overjoyed to work for her benefits by beheading others.”
The Home Secretary then fired her Kalashnikov into the air, bellowing “against all education”, which was the Conservatives’ slogan throughout the recent general election campaign.

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