In a move even his own backbenchers described as “desperate and pathetic”, on-the-ropes Prime Minister David Cameron addressed a crowd of supporters in Manchester yesterday, telling them, that Scotland hated them and that he had personally heard Scotland calling their mother a fat slag and a stupid old bitch.

“Don’t let them move their border south,” he pleaded. “We love the north and want nothing more than for you to remain with us, nay to lead us.”

“Furthermore,” he told the dozen or so remaining conservatives in the North West. “I also heard Scotland telling Michael Gove that they had shagged your sister.” He added that the Scots were a shower of bastards who would no doubt swarm over the border later this year to devour them all once the money ran out.