Competition is fierce between the SNP’s fifty-six strong Westminster contingent to see who can cause either David Mundell, the new Scottish Secretary of State or his opposition equivalent, Ian Murray, cry actual tears first.

Most of the fifty newly elected SNP MPs from north of the border have expressed an interest in the success of this project, one First Minister Nicola Sturgeon has called “close to my heart”.

Jack Parlabane, elected last week with a majority of over twenty-four thousand, said that both Mundell and Murray were “a bit sparkly-eyed” when forced to take these posts, so the job would be an easy one. Connor MacLeod, who vanquished his Lib-Dem opponent by over ten thousand votes, has said he’ll “cut the wee bastard’s heid off.” although it was not clear to which he was referring.

Frank Begbie and Terry Lawson (Edinburgh North and West respectively) have apparently “been watching that wee prick” (Murray) enthusiastically and have got “a hundred bar” riding on which of them can make the Shadow Secretary blub first.

However, speaking to an audience in Grangemouth last night, Edinburgh MP Jasmine Sharp told an audience that “Maureen, (O’Donnell, SNP Glasgow South) burnt him (Mundell) with her fag, plus she’s showed me how to do really sore Chinese burns. I hope his mum gave him a clean hanky, that’s all I’m saying.”

Even Stewart Hosie has weighed in now, telling the Glasgow Herald that he’d had a meeting with Alex Salmond (Gordon) and Johnnie Stark (Glasgow Central) and told them to “leave no stone unturned” to get them both “greeting like wee lassies”.