Michael Gove, the new Justice Minister has pledged to sweep away Europe’s outdated ‘human rights’ act with a responsive twenty-first century system of suicide notes.

Under new legislation, members of the public will be required to carry with them a short letter, bidding farewell to families and friends and explaining that the pressures of life are unbearable and that they cannot take any more.

Prime Minister David Cameron said that these letters would usher in an era of greater personal responsibility for UK citizens, whether they find themselves in police stations, Benefits Agency offices or even just walking home alone after dark.

“This small measure,” the Prime Minister said this morning. “Will reduce both the crime rates and the benefits bill, paying for itself in the first year after it’s rolled out. This will ease the burden on hard working families everywhere. And Scotland.

Trials are expected to begin in Manchester, as early as July, with notes that say simply, ‘Fucking raining again. I can’t take no more of this’