Search

reSenTinG YoUR DArLiNGS

haters gonna hate – even the shit i be proud of, yeah?

Month

May 2015

Pickles set to release rap-aerobics CD

Sir Eric Pickles, the Mountain that rides, announced last night that he’s to commemorate his recent knighthood with a rap-aerobics CD, released tomorrow.

“Sir Eric Pickles – a leaner, fitter Britain” features the former MP for Brentwood and Ongar rapping his way through fourteen slices of slammin’ urban jive-fodder, backed by several leading figures from the UK rap scene.

“It’s like a real chance to put something back,” said Sir Eric last night from his crib, wearing sportswear and surrounded by his bitches. “For too long, this country’s been down with a ‘something for nothing’ groove. Let’s everybody shape up together, dig?”

Among the songs reinterpreted on the disc are Kylie Minogue’s ‘Can’t get you out of my head’  with Pickles’ chant of” move you body, leak some sweat” and of course, his longtime theme song, http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2pouw_fast-food-rockers-fast-food-song_fun

Advertisements

Ramones scent not really selling that well

Following on from the massive success chainstores have had in selling clothing emblazoned with the cover of the first Ramones’ album, an imaginative new Scottish start up has released a matching scent.

Although the predominant smell is industrial adhesive, there is also a strong undercurrent of stale sweat and a lingering afterburn of rectal mucous that some who’ve tried it say catches the throat slightly.

Raymond Pimms, whose Spirit of ’76 company hopes to get this scent into ‘as many shops as there are selling t-shirts with the cover’, has plans to release scents redolent of the first Clash album, Led Zeppelin’s ‘four symbols’ and ‘Mannilow moods’.

Naval comedian, William McNeilly ‘game for a laugh’, say MOD.

image

Jolly Jack Tar William McNeilly was back in the bosom of the Royal Navy after a prank that caught the whole country on the hop, said a source in the Ministry of Defence.
McNeilly, who conned the whole world with his claims that Britain’s nuclear submarines weren’t fit for purpose, was last night laughing about the success of his beezer wheeze with officials from the navy and MI5.
“You should have seen the looks on your faces,” said a spokesman for MI5, wiping his eyes. “Somebody even started a petition, calling him a hero! Oh, he’s a tonic, that lad.”
Prime Minister David Cameron this morning said he’d known all along it was just a wind up and that he’d been in on it from the word go.
McNeilly himself was unavailable for comment as he’s ‘going to be really busy’  for a while. Sources close to the Royal Navy are estimating that ‘while’ to be somewhere between twenty and thirty years.

Theresa May to ‘bring back ISIS-ish values’

Newly resurrected Home Secretary Theresa May yesterday announced that the coming five years would see a return to ISIS-ish values. Speaking at the opening of Mogadan, the Conservatives’ annual celebration of all things dogmatic and slow-witted, she told reporters and a wailing horde of the faithful that her department hoped to introduce tying people to chairs and hurling them from buildings for almost any crime. “From overdue library books to belonging to banned terrorist organisations like the SNP,” she said, “citizens will be offered a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to accelerate at thirty-two feet per second per second. Even if it is only over a short distance – say five or six stories.
I have spoken to Michael Gove about this and, like the Prime Minister, he’s in full agreement, as is Iain Duncan Smith at Work and Pensions.
Even Esther McVey is on board with this, telling me in an e-mail last night that she’d be overjoyed to work for her benefits by beheading others.”
The Home Secretary then fired her Kalashnikov into the air, bellowing “against all education”, which was the Conservatives’ slogan throughout the recent general election campaign.

Ukip set to release ‘english rose’ scent

In another attempt to woo voters with limited education, the United Kingdom Independence Party are to make available a new fragrance for white women. ‘English Rose, the scent of scapegoating’, will be pitched at ‘the modern woman who enjoys a carefree life and blaming others for her own inadequacies’ and will smell ‘a bit like onions and chilli sauce’.

There are also plans to release a scent for men, called ‘English not British’, a scent described as ‘honest sweat and kebab meat with a hint of lager’.

Celebrities endorse repeal of hunting ban

Prime minister David Cameron today said he was overjoyed at the latest celebrities to back his plan to repeal the ban on hunting.

Speaking to an audience of sexually stunted sadists this afternoon, The Prime Minister said that this showed the entire country was behind him.

In a massive boost to the campaign, celebrities have rallied to the cause, speaking at length about the pleasure they’ve derived from hunting. Peter Sutcliffe, an outspoken critic of women in society said he looked forward to the day hunting was legalised and his convictions overturned. “God tells me hunting’s right.” he beamed.

Ian Brady, who has recently been critical of the Conservative party, said that the decriminalisation of hunting was “a step closer to the perfect society.”

Dennis Nilson, who hunted at least a dozen young men under Margaret Thatcher, said that hunting had so much to offer. “The thrill of the chase,” he enthused, his eyes sparkling. “right up to that moment of complete capitulation. Nothing can compare to it.”

However, not all celebrity hunters are throwing their weight behind Mr Cameron. Rosemary West, a regular hunter up until the time of John Major, said that it was important not to lose sight of family values in the excitement of the hunt.

Seige over as Murphy gives himself up

There were tears of joy, hugs and a certain amount of whistling today as former First Minister to be Jim Murphy put down his weapon and gave himself up to police. Late this morning, Murphy’s voice could be heard, delivering the same rambling lecture that had started last Friday when he learned that he’d been ousted as MP for Renfrewshire East by almost four thousand votes.
A police spokesman said that Murphy stopped talking, then a figure appeared in one of the bay windows of the property, holding a plastic bag to his face.
Murphy then opened the door. He had soiled himself and kept repeating, “it’s gone, it’s all over.” police freed Murphy’s wife and their nineteen children who are recovering from their ordeal at an undisclosed Nando’s.

BRAVE CAMERON STANDS UP TO VICIOUS TYRANT STURGEON

Plucky David Cameron yesterday travelled to Edinburgh to stand up to Nicola Sturgeon. Although cautious about entering the tyrant’s lair, he was accompanied by his companions, the quick-thinking George Osborne and the powerful Iain Duncan Smith.
Sturgeon, who recently swooped down on Westminster, vastly outnumbering the forces of good with her army of massive yet slow-witted creatures, had a list of demands which she forced our brave lads to listen to.
Among her demands were that England must hand over not only all of its income but ten percent of its children each year and also for a complete ban on all forms of cricket.
Sturgeon, who loves the sound of her own voice, also demanded that England execute former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, refusing to believe that Baroness Thatcher died of natural causes in 2013.
Scotland, the territory Sturgeon declared herself Empress of in 2014, is almost bankrupt and reliant on handouts from most developed nations and the International Red Cross.

cameron promises to bring back hunt-the-cunt “next year, if not sooner”

David Cameron, cheered on by supporters, today made it clear that his government will reintroduce hunt-the-cunt, “wherever there are communities of sportsmen, ready and able to lend a hand.

The British people,” he told them. “Have had enough of the politically correct, hell bent on eroding our freedoms.”

“Take a beautiful spring morning, the smell of freshly cut grass in the air. One cunt, pursued by twenty or more drunken bastards, for as long as it takes to track them down and kick them senseless. Well, if that isn’t democracy in action, then I’m a Nazi general!

This has so many benefits for the wider community,” he continued, rolling up his sleeves. “We all need a bit more exercise and this is a great way for the whole family to come together with friends and neighbours, victimising strangers and funny-looking people.”

A spokesperson from the Hunt-the-Cunt Saboteurs Association told us that they would “make the hunts unworkable” and that they would be “sticking together in crowds of fifty or more for the foreseeable future,” if this becomes law.

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: