From ‘Wrecking ball’ to dollgate – our plucky unionist press have heroically tried to share the information Scotland needs in order to not embarrass ourselves at the polling booths next week.

Of course, with Nigel Fromage dictating conservative strategy and David Cameron dictating labour’s, the generification of UK politics is almost complete. Remember, neither Cameron or Milliband have ruled out a red/blue tory coalition. Five more years of austerity with Milliband apologising for the worst tory excesses, while insisting his party are somehow still faithful to their original principles; a sort of Nick Clegg we don’t all despise properly yet.

I see Sturgeon, Wood and Bennett as The Slits circa ‘Cut’ (and why has nobody at Conservative Central Office photoshopped that up yet? “Look! They’re proud, disciplined, warrior women! We can’t have that, can we? Quick – vote patriarchy!”)

Yes, it seems Sturgeon is guilty of scalping a doll – or dolls – but let’s remember that most serial killers start off killing animals before graduating up to their fellow man. When Pol Pot was a little girl, he probably mutilated his wee sister’s dolls too – and just look what happened in the killing fields of Cambodia. Happy ever after? I think not!

If this woman gets power, not only will it be democracy raising its ugly head, but with the SNP’s programme of enforced hair cutting, Britain’s national ‘look’ will be that of David Carradine in ‘Kung fu’. Obviously, this will then move onto phase two – the beheadings. I mean, isn’t this obvious to anyone else? Thank God there’s a few of us rich white men left, with the courage to communicate this to their readerships!

But I think the real horror of dollgate is something that no-one’s had the gumption to mention yet. If, as has been shown, Sturgeon was, for a time, a child, then it stands to reason that she would have, after her larval stage, spent time as a teenage girl. Yes, you read that right – Nicola Sturgeon used to be a teenage girl. The ramifications of this are, I believe, too horrible to appear in any family newspaper.

As everyone who’s ever experienced an outbreak of daughters knows, teenage girls are the Antichrist, the Yorkshire Ripper and a sabre-toothed Jehova’s Witness rolled into one. If these stories of her undergoing childhood are to be believed, then Sturgeon probably spent five to seven years in a state of adolescence, slamming doors, screaming at her parents and playing Culture Club and Wham! at armour-piercing volume. Is this someone we want to be at the helm of not only the country’s economy but also the weekly beheadings?

No-one obsessed with music, clothes and boys is safe to represent this country abroad. We’d be a laughing Stock, a laughing Aitken and a laughing Waterman.

It’ll make ‘Game of thrones’ look like ‘Jamie and the magic torch’.

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