haters gonna hate – even the shit i be proud of, yeah?


April 2015

typical girls – the slits

From ‘Wrecking ball’ to dollgate – our plucky unionist press have heroically tried to share the information Scotland needs in order to not embarrass ourselves at the polling booths next week.

Of course, with Nigel Fromage dictating conservative strategy and David Cameron dictating labour’s, the generification of UK politics is almost complete. Remember, neither Cameron or Milliband have ruled out a red/blue tory coalition. Five more years of austerity with Milliband apologising for the worst tory excesses, while insisting his party are somehow still faithful to their original principles; a sort of Nick Clegg we don’t all despise properly yet.

I see Sturgeon, Wood and Bennett as The Slits circa ‘Cut’ (and why has nobody at Conservative Central Office photoshopped that up yet? “Look! They’re proud, disciplined, warrior women! We can’t have that, can we? Quick – vote patriarchy!”)

Yes, it seems Sturgeon is guilty of scalping a doll – or dolls – but let’s remember that most serial killers start off killing animals before graduating up to their fellow man. When Pol Pot was a little girl, he probably mutilated his wee sister’s dolls too – and just look what happened in the killing fields of Cambodia. Happy ever after? I think not!

If this woman gets power, not only will it be democracy raising its ugly head, but with the SNP’s programme of enforced hair cutting, Britain’s national ‘look’ will be that of David Carradine in ‘Kung fu’. Obviously, this will then move onto phase two – the beheadings. I mean, isn’t this obvious to anyone else? Thank God there’s a few of us rich white men left, with the courage to communicate this to their readerships!

But I think the real horror of dollgate is something that no-one’s had the gumption to mention yet. If, as has been shown, Sturgeon was, for a time, a child, then it stands to reason that she would have, after her larval stage, spent time as a teenage girl. Yes, you read that right – Nicola Sturgeon used to be a teenage girl. The ramifications of this are, I believe, too horrible to appear in any family newspaper.

As everyone who’s ever experienced an outbreak of daughters knows, teenage girls are the Antichrist, the Yorkshire Ripper and a sabre-toothed Jehova’s Witness rolled into one. If these stories of her undergoing childhood are to be believed, then Sturgeon probably spent five to seven years in a state of adolescence, slamming doors, screaming at her parents and playing Culture Club and Wham! at armour-piercing volume. Is this someone we want to be at the helm of not only the country’s economy but also the weekly beheadings?

No-one obsessed with music, clothes and boys is safe to represent this country abroad. We’d be a laughing Stock, a laughing Aitken and a laughing Waterman.

It’ll make ‘Game of thrones’ look like ‘Jamie and the magic torch’.


holidays in the sun – sex pistols

Ah well, that’s another NaNo ‘finished’ (if any book can ever be considered to be finished!) More correctly, that’s another first draft squeezed and grunted and screamed out, bloody and violent and shit-smeared but, by God, beautiful. It’s not perfect, but it’ll lie fallow for a few months or years, before I get down to the filthy business of gutting it, polishing it and making it fit to be shown to real live people.

This is the first time I’ve taken a week off work to write like this and I have to say, it went well. Two thousand words a day for the first week, then nine days of about four thousand a day, so when I went back to work, I had 47k under my belt and around a fortnight left to coast, easing out the last 8k of afterbirth, slowly and languidly, at two thousand per day.

While I was off, I hit five thousand once or twice, another day it took all day to force out a mere two thousand.

And I didn’t use Scrivener this time, which is the first time in maybe a year. This was all done in Evernote and Libre Office (at home) and MS Word at anywhere else I stayed. There were no religious reasons for this, just that I was still finding my feet with my new Linux box, so I didn’t have access to all the Windows products I’ve come to rely on. Which helps keep it fresh, so win-win.

This is also the first book in many moons that hasn’t been soundtracked (at least at first) by Miles Davis. I almost always start a new project with ‘The complete ‘In a silent way’ sessions, or once in a while, ‘Get up with it’. This time, I used Simply Rain, Simply Noise and (more usually) Coffitivity. Ambiances, that purport to enhance creativity (and most definitely, blot out this accursed tinnitus).

In my down moments, I began outlining July’s NaNo, which occurs in the same universe as this recently completed work. I’ve got a few plot ideas, which I’m knitting together and a list of character dossiers I’ll need to fill in, which is my next job.

Due to it being set in the same universe as the just finished one, the process of cobbling together a ‘sequel’, should no doubt pull together some of the strands of the first one when the time comes to revise that.

we kill the beast – xtc

I’m about twenty-five thousand words into this month’s NaNo. It’s (touch wood) pouring out like the piss leaks out of a kicked tramp and I’ve been lucky enough to experience that magical trance-world of just sitting back as the in-skull movie unfurls in my head and typing like a madman, trying to keep up with it.

I’ve even stopped buying The National for the duration. I figured I’d need the time I normally spend, reading the news and insulting more-than-deserving political hacks on twitter, for the serious business of typing filth. Once I’ve got this draft under my belt, I’m going back to buying it every day. And tweeting torrents of abuse and shame at any reactionary politico dumb enough to put their head over the parapet.

I did take a couple of hours out the other night to watch the (Scottish) leaders’ debate on TV at The Scary Wifie’s house. Jim Murphy giving it the best line of the night, chiding Ruth Davidson, “if you can’t be right, just be wrong as loudly as you can”. Living proof that no-one, not even Jim Murphy, can be all bad.

Nicola Sturgeon, as ever, getting the loudest applause of the night. All the polls are pointing to a hung parliament and Sturgeon, putting Murphy on the spot, demanding he said yes or no to an arrangement with the SNP. Of course, Murphy smirked, prevaricated and evaded the question. Is it any wonder the electorate are fed up to the back teeth with Westminster and its traditional soundbite politics?

Murphy can’t (supposing he even wanted to) publicly embrace a progressive alliance in case it alienates some hypothetical floating voter somewhere who voted conservative in 2010. Cameron’s stuck between a rock and a UKIP-place. The all-party rush to the middle of the road is precisely why the SNP (and Plaid and the Greens) are wiping the floor with the opposition. The policies people want to hear, in plain language and no pretence to be a bit conservative when talking to wealthy voters, a bit labour when talking to working class people. This is precisely what’s been missing for years in politics.

The lib-dems are in an enviable place compared to five years ago. Now that they’re not just unelectable but less electable than the Yorkshire Ripper, they have free reign to promise whatever they want, because they’ll never be called on it. A review of Britain’s drug laws? But didn’t you promise that in 2010? And you’ve been in government for the last five years? No matter. No-one in their right mind would vote for the squishy bit of the failed coalition. So they fielded what appeared to be John Inman. A guy you just know would be happier running at you with a tape measure than he is pushing his goldilocks crap (or, less spending than labour, less cuts than the conservatives, as they keep putting it).

Ruth Davidson is just plain terrifying. Facing electoral genocide next month, she’s mutated into some sort of radioactive psycho-vermin, backed into a corner and showing its teeth. Which will presumably resonate with all those floating voters who identify with, and respond to, blind animal rage.

It’s a month to go and the establishment have been busily smearing Sturgeon and Salmond, as if those two are some sort of independent entities, unbound by a political party made up of over a hundred thousand individuals – all with recent political experience. This hubris on the part of the Westminster parties is, frankly, comedy gold. I’m almost sorry we only have another few weeks in which to enjoy it.

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