So, the film of ‘fifty sheds of shite’ is now with us. Early reports indicate that groups of pissed-up women are attending showings of the film and generally acting like embarrassed schoolgirls.

In Glasgow, to celebrate a Valentine’s Day showing of the alleged film, three inebriated women attacked a male who’d asked them to keep it down so that he and his partner could watch it.

According to the media, couples are going to see it and in some cases it’s broadening and expanding their love lives. Presumably the sort of couples who’d been blissfully unaware of BDSM until they saw the film.

Of course, if you’re one of the people inspired to experiment in the bedroom, it’s important that you remember that SADO-MASOCHISTIC SEX IS ILLEGAL IN THE UK. Yep, that’s right. Ever since March 10th, 1993, when the spanner trial ended, a mark that lasts til morning is verboten and can have you sent to the naughty step. And, the presiding judge did say, “this is not a witch-hunt against homosexuals; if heterosexuals or bisexuals were in this court today, they would be treated in the same manner.” So there.

Of course, BDSM becomes fashionable every few years. Or, at least, tight shiny clothes do. So for the next few months, all sorts of people are going to be claiming that they’re really into BDSM and always have been (although they’ll probably call it ‘S&M’, because that Rhianna song, yeah?)

I thought for a while that the sales of the book would be a positive. Although most males start out either submissive or dominant and stay put, many women start as sub and later, discover their dominant side. I thought that some women would try out BDSM, like it and then realise there were benefits in Female-Led Relationships – or at least in never having to give another blow-job for as long as they lived.

I don’t know why I keep over-estimating the human race. I’m invariably disappointed. This film – just like the book – will do about as much to disseminate understanding of power exchange relationships as Fred West did for childcare.

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