I mentioned last week my lifelong interest in BDSM.
A Domme friend said to me, a few years ago now, that “most people go through the pupal stage and emerge as perverts once their kids have grown up. You had all the angst and self-questioning before you were even sexually active.”
Which, to be frank, I’d never actually thought about.
One pretty serious indication, though (and I was in my late forties when I worked this out!) is that I have never (never, ever) fantasised about playing ‘hide the sausage’. Not once. Not with anyone.
In my entire life. And I’ve ‘done’ masturbation, oh – several times now.
I have never been turned on by the thought of pushing my boaby inside someone. That’s so central to my thinking, I never even noticed.
What’s weird now is, my not feeling ‘it’ any longer. I suppose I’ve taken the 24/7 Mistress/slave thing as far as is humanly possible – and found the whole thing wanting.
Some of this, of course, is me getting older. They say each man becomes at fifty what he most despised at twenty-five. This is probably true. Since I turned fifty in 2011, I’ve had this recurrent nightmare about waking up one morning, somehow transformed into a poorly-organised sunday school trip to burntisland. Which is what fuelled the nightmare sequence in Dreich NOiR the other day, funnily enough.
But the fact remains. All my relationships (certainly in the last twenty years) have been moving progressively closer to that ideal. The 24/7. And yet, having put in all the work, each time, it was unsatisfactory.
I don’t think I’ve approached any of these relationships with any kind of rose-tinted lenses; if anything, quite the reverse.

Advertisements